This post could also be titled "A Humbling Experience"
I am 2 months in to my new position and things are going as good as can be. I'm in a job that's easy and less time consuming than last year, I'm much more comfortable in my environment than last year, and I am in a community that's very supportive and frankly loves me. But I'm not encouraged.
There's a lot to not be enthusiastic about, but nothing I can really complain about. To start off with, the obvious one is the job. My new position has me in an extremely different setting than last year. The hardest part is working in front of students. Last year being in front of students was my bread and butter. I was for the most part comfortable and the interaction with the students was for the most part casual and natural. This year most of the time I feel like I'd rather hide from students. I didn't find out until a few weeks ago that many of my students were unaware of my new position. There was one day in particular in which I took two metaphorical punches to the gut. I was sweeping an outdoor eating are and a student came over to talk. Things were fine with him, but then some other students came over and asked, "Mr. Clemons, what are you doing? What is your job this year?" (punch #1). Before I could respond, the student I was talking with said, "He's been demoted, he's the school janitor now." (punch #2). Up to this point I just figured the kids understood and it wasn't a big deal. I mean, I know I had questions but I was just assuming they didn't. A little ignorant on my part, I know.
Anyway, I didn't really know what to say. Since I've been doing this one of my recurring thoughts has been, "I paid $120,000 to do this?" which leads to, "Why am I here doing this?" The later is a little easier to answer actually. I'm here for the students. As much as I'd love to be teaching music full time somewhere else, I would miss the students too much. As for the previous question, for now, yes I did.
I really don't mind working in maintenance. I like the people I work with on a daily basis and my supervisor is great. But it's not music. I've found it hard up to this point not to spend most of my time on jazz band since it's the only class I have. The kids are paying for it as a result, there's a lot more work than last year.
Another kink in the cog is that I did a really good job last year. At least I feel I did and everybody tells me I did. It's a little hard to now have to watch an ensemble from the outside that I helped develop. It's not a very humble stance that I have but I'm in a perfect position to be humbled.
I could go on about that subject, but my attention is slipping. What else has been difficult? Being turned down. I had a crush on a girl here and I told her that I did and she said she wasn't interested. It wasn't too surprising to me and when I actually process it rationally it's fine, but it still hurts. Who wants to be rejected? I'm left yet again with feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. I don't understand how the whole meet someone and fall in love thing works, obviously. Some people have made it look so easy *cough* Dylan *cough*, but I'm batting a .000 I feel like I'm decent enough guy and even that I could be considered a catch for some people. But not yet, maybe not ever. Which raises another question, why can't I be content being single? Why do people always put the pressure on by saying, "You'll find someone.", "There's someone out there for you.", "You can do better than that." or "I hope you find a ______ girl." Why? WHY? Let me be single for crying out loud, encourage me in that. I firmly believe that waaaayyyy too many people are getting married anyway. In modern society marriage isn't what God intended it to be and people are abusing it. Community is one thing, and very important to everyone as individuals, but companionship is another. I don't need a companion. I need to be comfortable with myself and learn to want God before anyone else.
I should go before I sound too preachy. I'll end with this. I will make it through this year and I'll be okay on the other end. I know it won't be easy with plenty of difficulty and trials along the way, but I know that I'll be a better person on the other side of it. James 1:2-5 Ahhh, peace of mind.
Peace out!
Gabetron
I am 2 months in to my new position and things are going as good as can be. I'm in a job that's easy and less time consuming than last year, I'm much more comfortable in my environment than last year, and I am in a community that's very supportive and frankly loves me. But I'm not encouraged.
There's a lot to not be enthusiastic about, but nothing I can really complain about. To start off with, the obvious one is the job. My new position has me in an extremely different setting than last year. The hardest part is working in front of students. Last year being in front of students was my bread and butter. I was for the most part comfortable and the interaction with the students was for the most part casual and natural. This year most of the time I feel like I'd rather hide from students. I didn't find out until a few weeks ago that many of my students were unaware of my new position. There was one day in particular in which I took two metaphorical punches to the gut. I was sweeping an outdoor eating are and a student came over to talk. Things were fine with him, but then some other students came over and asked, "Mr. Clemons, what are you doing? What is your job this year?" (punch #1). Before I could respond, the student I was talking with said, "He's been demoted, he's the school janitor now." (punch #2). Up to this point I just figured the kids understood and it wasn't a big deal. I mean, I know I had questions but I was just assuming they didn't. A little ignorant on my part, I know.
Anyway, I didn't really know what to say. Since I've been doing this one of my recurring thoughts has been, "I paid $120,000 to do this?" which leads to, "Why am I here doing this?" The later is a little easier to answer actually. I'm here for the students. As much as I'd love to be teaching music full time somewhere else, I would miss the students too much. As for the previous question, for now, yes I did.
I really don't mind working in maintenance. I like the people I work with on a daily basis and my supervisor is great. But it's not music. I've found it hard up to this point not to spend most of my time on jazz band since it's the only class I have. The kids are paying for it as a result, there's a lot more work than last year.
Another kink in the cog is that I did a really good job last year. At least I feel I did and everybody tells me I did. It's a little hard to now have to watch an ensemble from the outside that I helped develop. It's not a very humble stance that I have but I'm in a perfect position to be humbled.
I could go on about that subject, but my attention is slipping. What else has been difficult? Being turned down. I had a crush on a girl here and I told her that I did and she said she wasn't interested. It wasn't too surprising to me and when I actually process it rationally it's fine, but it still hurts. Who wants to be rejected? I'm left yet again with feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. I don't understand how the whole meet someone and fall in love thing works, obviously. Some people have made it look so easy *cough* Dylan *cough*, but I'm batting a .000 I feel like I'm decent enough guy and even that I could be considered a catch for some people. But not yet, maybe not ever. Which raises another question, why can't I be content being single? Why do people always put the pressure on by saying, "You'll find someone.", "There's someone out there for you.", "You can do better than that." or "I hope you find a ______ girl." Why? WHY? Let me be single for crying out loud, encourage me in that. I firmly believe that waaaayyyy too many people are getting married anyway. In modern society marriage isn't what God intended it to be and people are abusing it. Community is one thing, and very important to everyone as individuals, but companionship is another. I don't need a companion. I need to be comfortable with myself and learn to want God before anyone else.
I should go before I sound too preachy. I'll end with this. I will make it through this year and I'll be okay on the other end. I know it won't be easy with plenty of difficulty and trials along the way, but I know that I'll be a better person on the other side of it. James 1:2-5 Ahhh, peace of mind.
Peace out!
Gabetron
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